well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
