Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
