so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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