I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
