I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
