Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
