Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
