So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
