apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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