she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
