I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
