how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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