can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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