worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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