The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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