i was rollin on her like bob the builder
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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