dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
