they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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