we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
my liver is dry heaving
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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