I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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