Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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