obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The air taste purple.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
