just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
