i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
