wrigley field is MILF paradise
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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