The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
