it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
