The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
