He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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