dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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