i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he's gonorrhea incarnate
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
