he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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