oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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