She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
