when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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