Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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