I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
