fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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