Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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