I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
