After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
