Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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