I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
