This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
