Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
