why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
