She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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