yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
