the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
