My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
