i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
